On August 22, 2014, I wrote a blog that was a reflection of my first few weeks as a JV coach. After reading it, I chose not publish it and just put it on the shelf for later. This was not a very positive blog, for the main question was “How do we teach kids the will to win, when we live in a world that teaches them that everyone wins?” I decided that I would experiment on this team and my first season, and then see if I could answer the question myself at the end of the season. My team’s last game was this past Thursday…and I finally have an answer. Before I get to the answer, here is what I wrote…
Most families growing up have multiple sports they are involved in. This was not the case for mine. For us, volleyball was, and is still a family affair. My dad started playing when he was in the Coast Guard and has now been coaching for 80 years (small exaggeration, but not off by much). My mom started playing after she met my dad, and played until she was 6 months pregnant with me. I started young by babysitting lots of drunk enthusiastic players at outdoor tournaments in my playpen, and then I picked it up for real around the age of 13. My sister came along and started kicking people’s butt around the age of 3 (another small exaggeration) and went on to play at Penn State, Sweden, and now Greece. We have all played the sport of volleyball at some point, however the love I have for coaching the sport far outweighs the love I have for playing it. At the beginning of every new season, I become a new mom of 14 teenage girls. We laugh, get frustrated at one another, tell stories, discuss life decisions, sweat, work hard, win, lose, fail, bleed, win some more, and repeat. Although I am not playing on the court anymore, the gym is still my safe haven, my safe place, my sanctuary where I can escape the world and nothing else matters for those few hours while I am on the sidelines. Coaching is my happy place.
As a coach, winning is a part of what we do. We go over basic fundamentals, work up to more complicated tasks, teach teamwork and discipline, and we do our best to win. I personally don’t understand coaches out there who are okay with just “having fun” and are okay with losing. Yes…I know there are some games where a loss helps refocus and mentally get a team ready for the next obstacle. You need to learn to win graciously, but also lose graciously. However, to me, this is not alright all the time. No one is more competitive than I am. I will race a car out of a stoplight that doesn’t even know I am racing them. I love to win and would rather kick your butt doing it than making it a close and “exciting” game. Those “exciting” games just make me a nervous wreck.
These days, kids don’t love to win. I personally don’t think they know how to enjoy success, or how to work hard to accomplish something for your team. Athletes in this day and age don’t like it when you push them too hard, or have high expectations for them. They don’t like it when you drill fundamentals at them instead of playing the “fun games.” Lately, it almost seems as if kids are just happy to make a team with their friends, then really working hard to improve in their sport.
In 2004, Disney released the film, The Incredibles. It is one of my family’s favorite movies and I vividly remember laughing hysterically with my parents and sister when we first watched it. However, it wasn’t until recently when my children were watching it one day when I heard a quote. Mr. Incredible was talking to his wife about letting their super speedy son, Dash, compete in track. They are bickering back and forth and Mr. Incredible says “they keep coming up with new ways to celebrate mediocrity.” When I heard this quote I stopped dead in my tracks. That movie came out 9 years ago and that statement is more real now than it ever has been.
The Webster definition of entitlement is: “the condition of having a right to have, do, or get something; the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something.” Our society has created a monster. An entitled monster. When I was playing sports in high school, the minority group were the kids who didn’t want to work hard. These kids cheated and cut corners and did everything in their power not to work as hard. The majority of the other kids, whether naturally athletic or not, were almost too competitive. The majority didn’t mind running bleachers on the football field in 90 degree weather, and if they were on the bench, they worked hard in practice instead of getting mommy or daddy to call the coach and complain. Today, unfortunately, it is the opposite. The majority of the kids take the easy way out. They only want to do the fun things and if their teammates are struggling, they would rather cheat instead of sticking to the plan and pushing them to get better and work harder. From all of the coaches out there…thanks society.
How do we teach kids the will to win, when we live in a world that teaches them that everyone wins?
The first time I heard about this new way of life, I overheard a parent discussing field day at their child’s elementary school. When I was in school, field day was the best day ever. We picked 3 races that we wanted to compete in. Whether it was the 50 yard dash, three legged race, or balloon toss, everyone picked something and it was awesome. We got ribbons for 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and a yellow participation ribbon that a competitive gal like me hated…and I got my fair share of all four colors over the years. Looking back a few decades, I honestly don’t remember what I got 1st in or 3rd…but I remember that I did EARN some of those blue ribbons and I had a blast. Thinking back at little 8 year old Kasey…I would have been so pissed if I worked hard and won, but someone else got the same “great job, Sport! Way to participate!” ribbon that I did. How are these kids going to handle real life? Do they realize that when they go for a job interview, their potential boss isn’t going to say “great job Bob, you aren’t qualified for this job at all, but here’s a pay check just for trying.” Um………no. The same goes for getting into college. You have to apply to get into college. I am a Duke fan…but just because I love the blue and white and cheer really loud for their basketball team, doesn’t mean I deserve to get in because, well let’s face it…I did more watching basketball games than studying in high school. When you have to put your big boy and girl panties on, life doesn’t hand you participation ribbons.
So, as a coach, I have asked myself and other coaches “how do you teach kids to win and be competitive without being a Negative Nancy and a crazy person?” I’ve gotten several answers. Most have been simple: you can’t. You can’t teach someone to want to win and to work hard. Attitude and effort are two things an individual is solely in control of. However, I can’t accept that answer. As a coach, I will do whatever it takes to help make my team succeed. If I could fit into those tiny spandex and pull off being a Freshman in high school, I would try. I recently asked a coach I greatly admire this question, and his answer was simple and to the point: give them opportunities to succeed. I know that this will be forever in the back of my head when I am on the court coaching.
When my mind is about to blow and my temper about to fly off the handle, I will think to myself, what can I do as a coach to give my girls a taste of winning so they have the desire to work hard for it…but not just by handing it to them? Let me tell you, this is not easy. If anyone else has an answer or tips to my question, please don’t hesitate to share. As a coach, if I can teach my girls the skills to play volleyball and be successful in life as well, by working hard, I will go to sleep at the end of each season feeling like I did my job. Also with some wins….because no one likes to win more than I do:)
After the season analysis:
As I said before, this was all written after the first few weeks of practice. The first week was full of repetition, fundamentals, and conditioning. I’m sure they hated me so much…but they learned what to expect. They learned that if they got through the much needed boring drills, they could get to the “fun” stuff. And guess what? As the season went on, the repetition drills became easier. They were completing drills in 13 minutes that were taking them 45 minutes the complete in the beginning. They also started getting frustrated when they didn’t complete a drill as well as they did a couple practices before because they had a taste for the SUCCESS that comes with working hard. Now…was everything perfect all the time? No. Not even close. However, we finished the season with a 21-3 record…only losing to teams that were in a different area of the state during tournaments. What an amazing season these girls had!!! And guess what…they EARNED it. All 14 of my wonderful girls worked hard and earned their successful season. I guess I can now get some sleep:)
So…if you are a coach and reading this and you are going through the same frustrations that I was at the beginning of the season, don’t beat yourself up too much. If you teach your athletes that you have to work hard to get anything you want out of life, everything will be okay. You CAN teach kids in this society to have a will to win, work hard, and be successful. Don’t give up on them! 🙂
KCunplugged 